looking for lost parts

So lately more than ever i've been feeling the itch like i have to get away & feel a little something more like "myself". those moments when you close your eyes and think of leasurely drinking coffee, sleeping in and taking a shower sometime during the day because you don't have to worry about your kids coloring all over the walls, eating dog food, injuring eachother or burning down the house.

i've been wanting so badly to go home and see my old friends, go to the places we always used to go and just spend time together. pretty much anything more than the crazy constantly interrupted phone conversations or a text here or there we've had over the last year.

then last night the anxiety came crashing down on top of me like a tidal wave. could i really leave my kids? i've only been without wyatt for one night twice. once when i was in the hospital having Mac & another time for a sleepover at Nana's house. that's it. and as for Mac she has never had a full day or night without me. so there i was laying in bed at 11pm and going over everything a million times in my mind. i know. perfect time to try and sort some serious anxiety out. NOT. i haven't really been without them. maybe this is all sounding a little pathetic. i don't know. but over the last 3 years i've transformed from someone who did whatever i want whenever i wanted to, to someone's who's every move is now dependent on my little people. i love them more than anything. i can't imagine my life without them. but somehow i'm feeling so lost.

i've lost who i was or most of what i see from who i was and now i've become someone else, or an adapted version of me. i don't under stand it. i see pieces of me in little places but a lot has changed, almost everything. i know if / when my little peoples will be apart from me that they'll be with great amazing people who they love and who love them and will be taken care of amazingly. it's me.

it's a complete fear of falling apart without having someone elses every move needing to be considered and cared for. maybe it's the challenge i need? maybe it's something that needs to wait?