warming up

sitting on the deck with the sun shining at my back. i love the way the sun can really warm you up. in our lives we all have winters and we need that spring and summer to come. there's the time where we've been cold for awhile and kept inside with the curtains drawn and we just need that sun. i used to view the sun alot differently than i do now. for me it was a constant religious comparison of looking and wanting someone, that spiritual being to warm me up. it's not any more. i'm not where i was a few years ago in mind set, lifestyle, spiritual beliefs or location. i'm not there. like us being in AB right now there is a tentitive plan that we will go back to BC. we think. we hope. well we hope for now. if you would've asked me 5 years ago what my hopes would be today they would sound a lot different. i had a way i thought my family would look and i thought i knew who the people in our lives would be. turns out i was probably a good solid 68% wrong. i'm not saying that out of dissappointment at all. we can always have hopes for the future but realistically we need to keep our minds open that our hopes today may not be my hopes tomorrow. these days my hopes are a lot more simple. it's 10am sunday morning and i'm having my favorite kind of "church" with my favorite people. Kenzie is napping upstairs, Wyatt is playing around the yard and Chico is sitting next to me in the sun. this is the goodness of life. the husband gets off work early today and we get to chill out and putz around the yard and go to the park. i love days like today where i've felt cold for awhile and i can feel myself warming up. sleep helps with that too. these last few days (minus last night) Kenzie has only been getting up twice and sleeping from 8-7. it's been pretty amazing. i've had time for me at night and more sleep. ah sleep. if you don't have enough sleep nothing looks clearly, everything is cold, toddlers are more likely to push you over the edge and you could really just rip everyones heads off.

my thoughts aren't done but I'm in need to play the role of bicycle repairman.

xoxo KK

children eating...or the lack thereof

lets start with the bebe. so as we were approaching her being 6 months i was getting more and more excited about the time coming ahead of her trying new foods. cereal (pablum), some fruits & veggies. as i've been breastfeeding her exclusively i was really stoked and possibly getting a little feeding relief from my growing monkey. feeding someone every 2-3 hrs will wear ya down. yup we did the pumping and trying to get her to drink from a bottle but just like her brother nope nope no go on the bottle. we did this and that and a million + 1 suggestions that books, dr & people had for us. really because it would be nice to go to a movie or out for dinner with a friend...or lets face it, some days just be away for more than 2hrs round trip. so yes i was getting excited for food. when W was about 5 months we started him on cereal with a little fruit & veg and he LOVED it. it was so great. such an awesome adventure seeing this little one gobble something up that wasn't me. lol. so yup in my naievity i thought wow these two will be on the same course for this as they've been so similar in many other ways. when it comes to liking cereal or really ANY babyfood so far they are totally different. he loved it and she hates it. i've tried every brand of cereal, mixing it with different things and just a plain old no way mom. her lips are pushed together as tightly as they can go. it is locked RIGHT UP.

so lets move to W. basically they are at the same spot. i come up with ideas of things for them to eat/try, i budget, i buy, i prepare and i get shut down. can't get either one of them to eat. W could easily only eat cherrios, apples jacks, crackers (wheat thins, veggie thins, triscuits), multigrain tostidos, fruit snacks, granola bars (sometimes), craisins, raisins, pretzles, fries, cheeseburgers, chicken strips, peach cups & peanut butter (in a spoon or on some bread). i keep trying other things to see if he'll eat them. we cook together. i give him what we're having, i'll let him pick things off my plate and nothing changes the situation that he is not interested.

so this is where the eating of lack thereof comes in. as a mom it's so frustrating to try and figure these things out. not wanting to have a picky picky kid. i want a mellow one that loves to eat and sleep. HA! well my little action packed adventurers keep me on my toes.

on this occasion if you've got suggestions i'm open to them. especially on the bebe food front as i really want her to try something! anything! as for the toddler...well he's a toddler and to know them is to love them...and learn to be ok with the craziness and rejection a little more every day.

xoxo KK

ps. i love my kids

a few of my favorite things 18/04/2010

caramel light water american misto - most days this keeps me alive
cat power - we took a little break from eachother but our love it back and stronger than ever
family nap time - or when naps actually happen for me...ah sleep
more than 2hrs of sleep in a row - this can be easily be taken for granted
my kiddies learning to play together - it wont last forever that they love eachother and aren't fighting so i'll take it while i can
date night - enough said
peeing with the door closed and in the bathroom by myself
coconut ice cream
gossip girl, greys anatomy, millionaire matchmaker, master chef, million dollar listings, sons of anarchy, mad men etc etc.... - there really is a lot of tv i love
classic rock - music wise i could very easily fit into the late 60's & 70's
successfull non-crying / meltdown grocery trips - pretty sure my son would be happy if he never entered another store again
my precious - iPhone
a good steak
non chipped nail polish - usually in bright red or hot pink
tropical green tea
nanaimo bar ice cream
cheap gas
easy days with the kids
my new house & deck  - lovin it

quick moments when i can write things down...notice the things you love today. these are just a few of mine

a little letter to my best friends

so when we first found out we were moving i started off by doing everything in my power to spend as much time with people that I could. trying to work with everyones schedules and then the wild card of having kids that seems to constantly change my plans (i'm hoping this will change). i would say that at the beginning of only having a month left i started off strong. i was seeing anywhere from 1-3 people who i LOVE a day. squeezing it all in. just making sure i could take every moment. half of those moments i felt like i was in a daze or asleep...in sort of a complete denial that it was happening and we were actually going. so as the days went on and the weeks less and less plans were made. i was busy with packing and kids and solo parenting for a month and the friends were busy with their lives too. the closer the move date came the harder it was to make a plan. what were we going to do? declare our last affections & laugh together. i know i'm seeming pretty dramatic but i didn't know what to do. it just couldn't be "normal" you can only talk & think about leaving these people you love so much before you just don't want to do it anymore. most days it was easiest to just pretend i was packing my house up for fun (fun right i know. lol) or that we were moving in town. possibly in this alternate universe i was living in i could move and take all my friends with my like a Polly Pocket or Phil would just have this amazing job in Kelowna and we'd catch a break.

three days before we moved a few friends had planned a big birthday dinner / party that celebrated a few of our march birthdays and would be sort of like a final goodbye from us to a few of them. 1 hr before the dinner started i called and cancelled. that's right. cancelled on my own birthday dinner and goodbyes. i couldn't do it. sure then i blamed it on everything i could. the kids were fussy (which they were), phil & i were exhausted (which we were) etc etc. but really i didn't want to sit in a room with a few of my favorite people knowing i was leaving them so soon. just couldn't do it. there was no more energy left in me to pretend that this would be ok & easy.

being away from my closest friends changed the dynamic of a friendship so much. the closest thing we get to a normal casual hang out is random back and forth texting. the phone thing is still awkward because we are not phone people. it's either texting or face to face. it's not feeling like enough lately. i don't want to be that annoying pop up on your phone that's "hi there how are you?...blah blah blah" yes this is an adjustment. we've made this commitment to our family to help us get ahead and to all be together. sure we said 3-5years but it could be 1year to the possibility of never moving back.

i know i will make new friends and i've already started that but nothing will replace these friends who've been my family, my confidants and have absolutely walked with my through my highest and lowest points. no explainations are ever needed for laughter or tears. singing loudly along to whatever music, getting tattoos together, painting, road trips, countless coffee dates, breakfast dates, bottles of wine. you've seen me through being single, engaged, married, pregnant & a momma. we've grieved together and looked for new hearts. we've walked on spiritual journeys together and still question what it's all about. there is nothing like a good friend. good friends can recover from a good blow and i've had them with all my friendships at one time or another. those are the ones worth fighting for.

so here we are revising what it looks like to be best friends & distance wont change that (fingers crossed)

xo KK

ps. I'm not into video chat so you'll just have to remember what i look like <3

my contentment comes in a cuddles & a cup

well yes my birthday was a few weeks ago. really between us moving, adjusting to a new 21/7 work schedule of the hubs, the lovely financial strain from moving and well just being bloody exhausted we decided to wait for more a bday celebration. on my birthday i got to do whatever i wanted to. haha. i was offered a lot of options but in the end chose hanging out with my sick kiddies (the beginning of them being sick for 2 weeks) get coffee, go to the park and yes we shopped at costco and had a hot dog and poutine for my fabulous bday dinner. honestly i wouldn't have changed it at all. it was low matinenace and i was with my little family.

*side not. i really cannot say enough about how awesome it is to have phil (husband) home every night. yup the days are long and some nights he's beyond exhausted but he's always there to help, tuck the kids in, help with making sure they actually eat at supper time and hang out with me. i am loving it. sure there is the countdown every month for the one week off but having him home every night and not having to have the majority of our conversation be via text and a phone call a day is just so amazing and is doing awesome things for our family.

ok ok back to the bday

so on my bday phil surprised me by coming home early with a huge boquet of flowers and two bottles of my favorite wine. AH i love me some Red Bicyclette Syrah. so we decided to celebrate more when he was on days off and we didn't have to rush through things and be exhausted. i am someone who most of the time likes to be surprised by what i get for a gift....this year i wanted to pick. i knew what i needed / wanted and so really that'd be the best choice..haha.

so momma got a Keurig Platinum to hopefully avoid reheating coffee 3x a day and actually have a good cup & clothes. Now the clothes part is a journey. I am soooo picky. we went shopping yesterday and luckily for me all the pants i had tried on didn't fit. they were too big. it was pretty awesome. but i was ready to be done shopping so i stuck with the shirts i picked out that fit great and pants will be revisited another day. honestly i could shop for someone else for days but when it comes to me i like to keep it short and move right along. usually cause things don't fit and you can only do that for so long.

then we had lunch and a Knorr family nap. it was great. priorities really have changed and i wouldn't change it one bit.

i'm really missing my friends lately. (a whole nother blog needs to be written about this) if you're reading this...love you peoples.

well here we go. both kids rooms need to be cleaned and their clothes changed out to the next size up AGAIN and of course more laundry. hopefully we'll get out a bit this afternoon.

till whenever i write next

xoKK

Not knowing how to deal with "me time"

So here I am. I finally got what I wanted. Or what I thought I wanted anyways. I'm put getting my hair done, drinking coffee, reading trashy magazines and I've already fallen asleep in the chair twice. And...all I can think about is how I miss my little ones. Wondering constantly how they're doing. Possibly at this point I am far more dependent on them then they are on me. That need to be needed. That need to fix, comfort and help. Really? Here I thought man I just need a break. I just need to get out and here I am getting out and siting in an amazing salon in a tearing mess.. Identity is a strange thing.

one should never reheat their coffee this many times...

i am a mother begging my child to take 30 minutes and watch tv. go ahead. judge judge away. today i have sat barely, not done my hair, not napped, cleaned the house too many times to have it all land up looking like junk moments later and i've reheated my cup of coffee 3 times. i repeat. i have reheated my cup of coffee 3 times. it just keeps happening. that sweet sweet coffee that most often helps my eyes to stay open and my thoughts to stay in a somewhat stream has been reheated and tastes like death. and i my friend am drinking this coffee in hopes that no matter what it tastes like it'll work like it usually does. there was a day i was so picky about my wine and coffee. today if it's hot or comes from a bottle i'm willing to take a chance. and if it's doesn't taste great but i seem to be achieving the same effect...i keep on drinking. this people is the real motherhood.

dear moms who look like they have it all together i know your secret. don't worry i am on my way to the store with two kids in tow to pick up that YSL under eye concealer. No we're not sleeping but we can find a way or two to hide it. dear child please have a nap so i can shower, please watch Mickey Mouse so I can drink the coffee without you attacking me and then me spilling it on both of us resulting in oh so much more laundry.

it's become pretty hard these days to some how make "me time". yup i'm selfish. i need time for me and i need it stat! moving to a new place with family nearish but all busy with their lives and working full time, not knowing any babysitters yet or new friends who i can pawn my kids off on and a husband working 12hrs a day 21 days straight doesn't leave a  lot of "me time" opportunities. by the time the possibility of "me time" rolls around i am so exhausted and it's late so i slump into bed and there i stay until someone cries...which doesn't seem to take very long these days.

most jobs have a start time, break time, lunch time, coffee time & time to go home. sure you may mentally take your work home with you but if you don't have the chance to leave work at all, thats when things start to get a little scarry. those moments when you're beyond frustrated and you catch yourself or lets be honest you don't see how badly you're handling something until a bit later. i have had too many of those moments lately. my vision is blurry and my reactions are far to quick and slow. momma needs a breather. all that being said i do have small moments in the day i need to take less for granted. that and i need a keurig and to start promising myself and the coffee to not reheat it so many times. it's just not right.

so i'm on the count down. two more days until the hubs is home for a week. excellent. i WILL be taking quite a bit of "me time" in there...so help me god.

xo KK

The perfect form of torture

Ok ok, like I said before there is a likelihood of me posting often about how sleep deprived I feel more than you want to read about....

Anyways all crazy world issues aside I think the best way to torture someone is to deprive them of sleep for days, weeks and months on end. I can honestly say in the last 3 months I could count on one hand how many times I've had more than 3 hours of sleep in a row. If its not the baby it the toddler, if it's not the toddler it's the constant running of a million thoughts in my head. Awake awake awake. Yes I have had chances here and there for naps and the husband gets up at night to help the kids too. But when I hear the cry out I lay there. Even if I'm still in bed I am awake and wanting so desperately to sleep.

Yes I've heard about all the sleep theories and practices and we've tried a lot of them. But when your babe needs comfort you comfort them.

So this is my morning rant. I'm off to make some exceptional coffee and have an awesome day!

xo KK

PS. Any time this torture wants to stop, I'm more than ready.

something to read before you read...if you continue to read that is

i’m not too sure what this anxiousness is that prevents from just writting stuff down. it’s like when i start i feel as though i need to have something amazing planned out to “say”.

really what’s going to happen here folks is a rambling of thoughts. yes i will probably talk more about what’s going on with my kids, my lack of sleep and how i need to find something to do than you want to hear.

but that’s where it’s at. time to learn to write/blog for me and not for someone else and how they will take it. most of my days right now are spent saying now, don’t touch that, be gentle, slow down and wow i’m tired…so maybe this is just some writtings that need to find some adults eyes/ears. one can only handle so much disney junior & diapers.so here i am.

new city, new time of my life…new adventure. also in this blog there will most likey be spelling mistakes, incomplete sentences and grammatical errors, so if you’re really PO’d about stuff like that and plan on correcting me….dont read any further,i’m off to wrestle the allegator attached to my side, clean the bathrooms & bake cookies

xo KK