So lately more than ever i've been feeling the itch like i have to get away & feel a little something more like "myself". those moments when you close your eyes and think of leasurely drinking coffee, sleeping in and taking a shower sometime during the day because you don't have to worry about your kids coloring all over the walls, eating dog food, injuring eachother or burning down the house.
i've been wanting so badly to go home and see my old friends, go to the places we always used to go and just spend time together. pretty much anything more than the crazy constantly interrupted phone conversations or a text here or there we've had over the last year.
then last night the anxiety came crashing down on top of me like a tidal wave. could i really leave my kids? i've only been without wyatt for one night twice. once when i was in the hospital having Mac & another time for a sleepover at Nana's house. that's it. and as for Mac she has never had a full day or night without me. so there i was laying in bed at 11pm and going over everything a million times in my mind. i know. perfect time to try and sort some serious anxiety out. NOT. i haven't really been without them. maybe this is all sounding a little pathetic. i don't know. but over the last 3 years i've transformed from someone who did whatever i want whenever i wanted to, to someone's who's every move is now dependent on my little people. i love them more than anything. i can't imagine my life without them. but somehow i'm feeling so lost.
i've lost who i was or most of what i see from who i was and now i've become someone else, or an adapted version of me. i don't under stand it. i see pieces of me in little places but a lot has changed, almost everything. i know if / when my little peoples will be apart from me that they'll be with great amazing people who they love and who love them and will be taken care of amazingly. it's me.
it's a complete fear of falling apart without having someone elses every move needing to be considered and cared for. maybe it's the challenge i need? maybe it's something that needs to wait?
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.
what an amazing morning. honestly...amazing. for christmas i got a gift certificate for 60 minutes of massage therapy. getting this was like my golden ticket. truthfully i was beyond excited but there were always a million other things to do, no babysitter or me just not trying to find one. it was always someone else being sick etc etc or this or that to do and here i basically just threw my golden ticket aside. here i got this amazing gift to take time for me, just me for 60 minutes (really that's what i wanted, me time but who knew making me a priority would be so hard). so almost two months later i was off to cash in my ticket. leaving the house my mind was full of the list of things i needed to do when i got home, laundry, dishes, floors...etc. would everyone eat their lunch? would wyatt remember to go on the potty? would everyone go down for a nap easily? SERIOUSLY KATIE!?!?! you're on your way for YOUR 60 minutes JUST SHUT YOUR BRAIN OFF ALREADY.
and before you know it i'm there. the list is long of the issues i have with my back / body. i'm basically a broken mother as a result of numerous car accidents and lets just face it being a daily jungle gym, constantly lifting 21 or 32lbs at once or often at the same time and truly not taking the time to look after my basic well being.
after getting down into just my knickers and laying underneath the "magical sheet" the candles were lit, i could faintly smell a burning scented oil and the mix of soothing nature sounds, a little regge and some meditation tracks were playing. it took about 30 seconds for me to close my eyes, turn off my brain and drift away.
here's the bottom line. sometimes you just need to leave. you need to walk away. you need to take 60 minutes away from everything for you. maybe make it once a week. in a dream world it would always be off to get a massage, our nails done, a pedicure or your hair done. but in reality actually taking a book somewhere, buying a coffee, finding a piece of sunshine and just sitting down and turning off your phone will do the same trick. more than anything this is a reminder for me. the kids will be fine. they'll be alright if they pee their pants or dont eat their lunch. the laundry and dishes can wait an hour. everyone can wait. time for you to stop waiting. now it doesn't matter if you have kids or not, life is crazy and hectic enough as it is.
as much as i can make a meal plan and figure out what appointments are when and which day we're meeting up with who for a play date i NEED to get that 60 minutes for me.
my goal :
60 minutes for me with no tv, no chores, no phone, no computer and NO ONE ELSE. i'll figure it out from there.
like i've heard and said a hundred times, there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.
xxKK
and before you know it i'm there. the list is long of the issues i have with my back / body. i'm basically a broken mother as a result of numerous car accidents and lets just face it being a daily jungle gym, constantly lifting 21 or 32lbs at once or often at the same time and truly not taking the time to look after my basic well being.
after getting down into just my knickers and laying underneath the "magical sheet" the candles were lit, i could faintly smell a burning scented oil and the mix of soothing nature sounds, a little regge and some meditation tracks were playing. it took about 30 seconds for me to close my eyes, turn off my brain and drift away.
here's the bottom line. sometimes you just need to leave. you need to walk away. you need to take 60 minutes away from everything for you. maybe make it once a week. in a dream world it would always be off to get a massage, our nails done, a pedicure or your hair done. but in reality actually taking a book somewhere, buying a coffee, finding a piece of sunshine and just sitting down and turning off your phone will do the same trick. more than anything this is a reminder for me. the kids will be fine. they'll be alright if they pee their pants or dont eat their lunch. the laundry and dishes can wait an hour. everyone can wait. time for you to stop waiting. now it doesn't matter if you have kids or not, life is crazy and hectic enough as it is.
as much as i can make a meal plan and figure out what appointments are when and which day we're meeting up with who for a play date i NEED to get that 60 minutes for me.
my goal :
60 minutes for me with no tv, no chores, no phone, no computer and NO ONE ELSE. i'll figure it out from there.
like i've heard and said a hundred times, there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.
xxKK
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