The Happiness Chart

This last week we started something new in our house in desperate need to try and find something, anything to help out this stage with W&M that seems to be full of non-stop tantrums. I know, it's tough to be 2&3, but there has to be a way to harness the rollercoaster if emotions and reign them in a tiny bit. 

It may just be these two but they are obsessed with wanting to go to the Golden Arches for the play place and some fries and the Dollarstore. OBSESSED! Like it is their happy place. And they want to go there EVERY day. Well we all know that's not going to happen. So every time they would ask and we would say no because we were just there the day or two before or earlier that week all chaos would break loose. I had had enough. There needed to be a reward system for this. Like go to work, work hard for a week or two and get a pay check and then buy something. Work=result. 

So we started the happiness chart. With the help of dltk.com I made up a super simple 1 week chart for each kid. 7 days of the week and 3 times of the day (mornings, afternoon & evening). Easy. If they were good and happy and sharing in those times they got a happy face. If not they got a sad face. Now I am not expecting perfection, lack of emotional rollercoasters, no fighting over toys etc. But we are really wanting to improve on how long the recovery time takes when the hard times hit. Getting upset is fine, it's good to express how you're feeling. But it's important to learn why you're feeling that way and be able to make peace with what happened, talk about how you feel and turn it around. 

With the way things were going I really thought well if we could get 10 happy faces in a week than they would get a reward. So far W (who is almost 4) understands this better than M (only 2). When things get crazy and he gets upset we talk about it and remind him that we can change and choose to make this a happy time. We can share, talk, help out and make a choice to change how we feel. 

Today is day 4 and the little man has 10 happy faces on his chart. So a treat tonight it is. The more we do this, more happy faces will be required to make the goal. 10,15,20 etc and the goals/rewards will change over time. 

I don't know what will happen next week, but this week this worked. I'll take it. 

The Ugly T word

I am seriously not a fan of transition. If I could I would like to blink my eyes and BAM be on to the next thing. The transitions from having the hubs work out of town or in town. For a few years well 4 really almost straight we fully relied in Phil working out of town. It's the life you get used to. Some people wonder oh how do you do it? Well you just do. It's not easy, but you make it work. 

It's been 8 months since he was working back out of town on a consistent basis and we're back at that point again. Luckily it's a great turn around. 14 days away but a full 7 at home which will be so awesome. There are so many people who do longer stints and we've been in those times before, but with the age of our kids we like to keep the max around 14 days away.

So here we go again. He leaves Thursday and it's back to Skype, texts and phone calls. It's always the first 2 and the last 2 days that are the hardest. We will make it, get back in the mode and transition through....AGAIN. 

it will end. i promise

it feels like for the last 3 years my entire life has mostly centered around dealing with teething and potty training. the stress of did you go? didn't you go? do you have to go? are you teething? why wont you just sleep etc etc. anyways today is a revolutionary Friday. it's been over a week now of mornings being diaper free and usually only 1 accident! i mean i am completely stoked on that! really! she's rocking it. i think probably because this time around when it came to potty training i was way less of a stress case. i knew when the timing was right she would want to make it happen and it's looking like that's now. who knows what will happen later today or this afternoon but i'm gearing up to no diapers unless it's sleep time for miss M starting today. W has now been completely diaper free day and night now for a month! it's been a pretty exciting time for me as you can tell. Oh and we have all of M's 2 year molars in now! what's that you say?!?!?  WE'RE DONE TEETHING! it happened. actually i was feeling like this was never going to end. the thing with having two kids 18 months apart (besides being completely crazy) is that all the milestones seems to mush together and some definitely take longer than other. but we're here. feeling positive and a bit on the other side. and we're soother free! oh AND BOTH KIDS SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!! i mean i actually got 7 hours of sleep with no one crying, not having to check on anyone and no one sleeping in our bed. I do realize that this can all change in a moment as I've probably slept through the night less than 20 times in the last 3.5 years. but i need to right this down. i need to enjoy. i need to celebrate!

so be encouraged. if you're kids aren't sleeping they eventually will. i mean some people win the sleep lottery and some don't. sometimes they need a little calms forte (homeopathic) kids sleep aid to help them rest and settle while all that growing and changing is happening. the teething will end. really it has to. and advil or Tylenol or many other natural remedies are your best friends. why torture them or yourself thinking oh hey we'll all just tough it out. i mean when's the last time you had a tooth ache? this is way worse than that toothache you had and you took drugs, complained a lot and saw a dentist who was able to fix your problem. taking away a soother now just be persistant. you can do it. they can do it and it'll happen. just stick to your guns.

this wasn't meant to be instruction or a how to. just keep hope. you can do this and they can do this too. a lot of the times these little people are much stronger than we give them credit for.

i am thankful for change, for results and the sleep i got last night. time to make a coffee and make sure there isn't any pee on the carpet.

XO KK

I am thankful for the coffee about to run through my veins

Alright splitting headache, it's really time for you to take a hike. I mean I know you were up almost all night with two crying kids to keep me company but you can leave now. See they've traded their hysterics for down right grumpiness and a general overtired bad attitude. So really I just want to make a cup of coffee, drink it while it's hot and hopefully stay awake. I mean sure, the kids really don't think it's a good idea for mommy to have a solid nights sleep so they take to the constant wake ups to just keep things on schedule and exhausting. Good thing they're super cute. Like really. 

Yes this is a bitchin note, cause really there's only so much reality you can put in a Facebook status before you have a bunch of annoying people leaving ridiculous unasked for advice. 

Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours. Or you know, just drink enough coffee to get you to the wine.

KK 

the cusp of more change....life is good

So many little changes have been happening in our family lately that I really need an outlet to put them all down. Not just for you to read but mainly for me to write down and be able to come back to them years down the road and look at where we were and how things were going.

To sum things up briefly, I now have a 3 & 2 year old. Saying that our home is mostly in chaos at a very loud volume would be a complete understatement. In the last month alone we've started playschool, completely gotten rid of diapers day and night with W, started potty training Kenzie (most days and just in the morning...lol, because usually by the end of the day my patience is gone and it's not fair to any of us) and we've taken the last soother away. It's been a big learning curve around here for all of us.

We're still here. 5 years of marriage in, 2 kids, living now in Edmonton Alberta, 30 and feeling like we're settling into this life thing a bit.

KK

p.s. following blogs wont always be as mellow. some will be a rant. some will be completely opinionated and really who knows.

the threenager

recently things have gotten a lot more intense. the tantrums are at a whole new level. the simple things like yes the grass is green with a reply of "NO IT IS NOT! IT HAS A TINY BIT OF YELLOW IN IT!!!". the volume button has been cranked. the alligator tears are out. there are now words they're not allowed to say. not that they weren't allowed to say these words before but now they say them and all the time. it doesn't matter what gets taken away, how many cuddles or given or how long of a time is spent in time out. nope we are at a whole new level of irrational. I mean of course the cute is cuter and the smart is smarter. the kind is kinder, lovelier and sweeter. He's learnt how to officially declare opposites. "I love you Wyatt." "I do not love you Momma". "You are smart buddy" "No I am not smart" and the list goes on.

You know that lesson we all learnt in kindergarten or grade one about prickelies and warm fuzzies? I think it was a 7-1 ratio. If you had one prickelie it took 7 warm fuzzies to erase it. The lesson comes up again as we get older about bullying and self image. Basically the long short of the story is that for everything said to someone that hurts their feelings it takes a lot to make that hurt lessen.

Parenthood is no exception. We know that what we say to our kids shape and form them. We do our best to soak it all in. You are smart. You are kind. You are special. You are funny. You are important. You are loved. You are creative. You are so awesome...etc. When you hear your kids saying mean things to themselves or each other it's heart breaking. And when the "I don't love you. Leave me alone. You don't love me and I'm a bad boy" come out it's more than heart breaking. It leaves us a bit dumbfounded. I know this is a stage. I know we are entering a new emotional milestone etc but if my heart could feel differently that would help.

those who love you the most can hurt you the most. it's amazing and terrifying all at the same time.

KK

PS. Dear Threenager,
Lets take a break from the insanity for a little while.
I love you and I know you love me too.
Momma

looking for lost parts

So lately more than ever i've been feeling the itch like i have to get away & feel a little something more like "myself". those moments when you close your eyes and think of leasurely drinking coffee, sleeping in and taking a shower sometime during the day because you don't have to worry about your kids coloring all over the walls, eating dog food, injuring eachother or burning down the house.

i've been wanting so badly to go home and see my old friends, go to the places we always used to go and just spend time together. pretty much anything more than the crazy constantly interrupted phone conversations or a text here or there we've had over the last year.

then last night the anxiety came crashing down on top of me like a tidal wave. could i really leave my kids? i've only been without wyatt for one night twice. once when i was in the hospital having Mac & another time for a sleepover at Nana's house. that's it. and as for Mac she has never had a full day or night without me. so there i was laying in bed at 11pm and going over everything a million times in my mind. i know. perfect time to try and sort some serious anxiety out. NOT. i haven't really been without them. maybe this is all sounding a little pathetic. i don't know. but over the last 3 years i've transformed from someone who did whatever i want whenever i wanted to, to someone's who's every move is now dependent on my little people. i love them more than anything. i can't imagine my life without them. but somehow i'm feeling so lost.

i've lost who i was or most of what i see from who i was and now i've become someone else, or an adapted version of me. i don't under stand it. i see pieces of me in little places but a lot has changed, almost everything. i know if / when my little peoples will be apart from me that they'll be with great amazing people who they love and who love them and will be taken care of amazingly. it's me.

it's a complete fear of falling apart without having someone elses every move needing to be considered and cared for. maybe it's the challenge i need? maybe it's something that needs to wait?

there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.

what an amazing morning. honestly...amazing. for christmas i got a gift certificate for 60 minutes of massage therapy. getting this was like my golden ticket. truthfully i was beyond excited but there were always a million other things to do, no babysitter or me just not trying to find one. it was always someone else being sick etc etc or this or that to do and here i basically just threw my golden ticket aside. here i got this amazing gift to take time for me, just me for 60 minutes (really that's what i wanted, me time but who knew making me a priority would be so hard). so almost two months later i was off to cash in my ticket. leaving the house my mind was full of the list of things i needed to do when i got home, laundry, dishes, floors...etc. would everyone eat their lunch? would wyatt remember to go on the potty? would everyone go down for a nap easily? SERIOUSLY KATIE!?!?! you're on your way for YOUR 60 minutes JUST SHUT YOUR BRAIN OFF ALREADY.

and before you know it i'm there. the list is long of the issues i have with my back / body. i'm basically a broken mother as a result of numerous car accidents and lets just face it being a daily jungle gym, constantly lifting 21 or 32lbs at once or often at the same time and truly not taking the time to look after my basic well being.

after getting down into just my knickers and laying underneath the "magical sheet" the candles were lit, i could faintly smell a burning scented oil and the mix of soothing nature sounds, a little regge and some meditation tracks were playing. it took about 30 seconds for me to close my eyes, turn off my brain and drift away.

here's the bottom line. sometimes you just need to leave. you need to walk away. you need to take 60 minutes away from everything for you. maybe make it once a week. in a dream world it would always be off to get a massage, our nails done, a pedicure or your hair done. but in reality actually taking a book somewhere, buying a coffee, finding a piece of sunshine and just sitting down and turning off your phone will do the same trick. more than anything this is a reminder for me. the kids will be fine. they'll be alright if they pee their pants or dont eat their lunch. the laundry and dishes can wait an hour. everyone can wait. time for you to stop waiting. now it doesn't matter if you have kids or not, life is crazy and hectic enough as it is.

as much as i can make a meal plan and figure out what appointments are when and which day we're meeting up with who for a play date i NEED to get that 60 minutes for me.

my goal :
60 minutes for me with no tv, no chores, no phone, no computer and NO ONE ELSE. i'll figure it out from there.

like i've heard and said a hundred times, there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.

xxKK

Naked Adventures with Elmo

A few months ago...this summer we were pushing for W to potty train. Ah wouldn't it be nice to only have one child in diapers. Anyways we tried everything. Turns out he just didn't want to do it, wasn't into it and truly wasn't ready. Ok ok here I thought of course I would be super mom and my son would be potty trained around 2. That thought right there was setting us up for failure. So we went back to regular diapers and occasionally would just ask Wyatt if he wanted to go on the potty. about 97% of the time it was a no. For the last few days if he had more than one little pee in his diaper he was totally annoyed and wanting it off. So we went on an adventure to Toys R Us and Wyatt got to pick out the potty he wanted. That day we came home with the Elmo Adventure potty. For the last couple of days it's done more of just sitting around and me working like crazy for it not to be seen as a toy or a toy holder (the bowl) there was lots of "flushing" so we could hear Elmo's little gimmicks.

This morning when W woke up he ripped off his pyjamas & diaper and decided no more diaper and he must be naked. We rolled with it. So far it's been 6 pees & 1 poop in the potty AND no accidents. He's decided and on his own initiative gone on the potty when he needs to go. Of course the reward of a candy makes that super appealing. I may have one spun out sugar crashed kid and be out candy by noon but he is doing awesome and wants to go.

He was just ready. Or is ready this morning. Ha there's no guarentee with kids. I guess that's just like mini us. When we want something and we're ready for it we will acheive success

xo
KK

PS. I'm working on getting my sore butt up and moving to do day 2 of the shred. The possibility of the longer i keep doing it, the easier it will get is gonna keep me going.

Day 1

I'm working on  two things for the same result. 1) writing more 2) a work out plan. Both of these things are being done with the goal of prolonging my life. Ok well maybe saying prolonging my life isn't totally correct like I hope it can be, but I'm  just trying to be a little less stressed out here. HA. I may need to start dropping and giving 20 every hour to work up my heart rate and chill the F out. I don't know why I'm such a 'live-wire' lately but I am. And writing. It's nice to get it out there. This isn't my tell all story...I save that for my friends ears and paper.

Anyways I'm saying this to say do something for you. Inner focus is important. I write these things as more of a letter to myself. Hey you, yes you Katie Knorr READ THIS! I'm working on sticking to a plan. Seriously...how long does it take for something to stick.

This morning I started the 30 day Shred with Jillian Micheals again. Yes i've started this before. Anyways all excuses aside there I was in the living room doing jumping jacks etc with two kids hanging on. It started out while Kenzie was napping but she woke up so I ran upstairs as quick as I could trying to keep my heart rate up and I was determined that even if I had to walk away from the video or change something cause I couldn't do it yet or whatever I would stick through for the whole work out. We did it! I had kids hanging here, there and everywhere. It was really hilarious. Someone should do a workout video for stay at home moms with the kids in the video. Not kids who will just sit on the side but real ones who will scream and cry and hang themselves on you while you take 30 minutes to try and work out. HAHA. I didn't have weights so I was using big bean cans. Really it's hilarious thinking back about it. But as I sit here typing I'm breathing a little deeper, my muscles are slightly stinging and I feel accomplished and a tiny bit ready to take it on again tomorrow.

Day 1 of the husband being gone and both kids boycotted their afternoon nap. Needless to say it's a super tired house. AND THIS MOM IS OUT OF WINE! Really that shouldn't be allowed to happen but it has. Guess I'll be teaing it up. lol

Enough. You may hear from me tomorrow or the day after or who knows.

xo KK

honesty ... ish

I'm really not sure how change in ones self starts. like when is it exactly that you've hit "rock bottom" so to speak. I'm not gonna go and say that i've hit rock bottom here but I really need to make a change. Since forever I've never been the "skinny girl" and really I've learnt to be ok with that. It apparent that we all want to be different. If you're skinny you want to change something, if you're fat you want to be smaller. If you're tall it's hard to find pants long enough etc etc the list really does go on forever. I feel like in my mind I want a change but in reality I'm truly afraid to just start and fail. I know that if I work out and eat better I will feel like I have more energy but I find it hard to find the energy to want to work out. Oh and working out....Geez. Where do I even start with that one. Sure in an ideal world I'd be able to go to the gym and that would be that. When am I supposed to do that? Really. I mean if I did go I could put them in child care but really that adds up to almost $80 a week...really? REALLY? Ok so here I am. I'm at home. I put on my sweatpants day after day for honest fear that I'll try on my jeans and they wont fit. There was a time pre baby that wearing sweatpants was uncomfortable. honestly. i hated it. it was jeans or nothing and now jeans just pure and simple feel like a straight jacket. Ok there is a lot of babbling and heart pouring out here. I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm writing cause I know that putting it out there somehow makes me more accountable to myself. I need to find something to do at home actively. When it's -20 outside I don't want to go for a walk and kill myself on ice. I need something to do at home indoors so I'm on a search. I'm down hearing your suggestions.

The fact that I'm a stay at home mom isn't where the ball drops on my slowly putting on weight, getting out of shape (not that i was in a great one before) but just plain and simple ot being ok with where i'm at personally or how I look. You know those phases where your skin crawls. Yes I'm there. Doing something for me. ok what?

This is a lot of jibber jabber. It's a lot of feeling and a lot of being lost.

Thats what this is for. being honest. doesn't matter what it's about but i think being honest is the beginning.

KK

the end of the boobie-milk train

as setting out with having both kids i really wanted to breastfeed them. i knew that like with anythng there was a possibility that it might not work out the way i wanted but with this i did. we hit a few speed bumps with both kids, mastitous (breast infection), both of them refusing to drink from a bottle (even breastmilk) and the occasional biting phase here and there, but generally it's worked out pretty great.

with knowing absolutely that after baby Mac was born that i was done having babies, i know this is the end of this part of motherhood for me. with W he was breastfed until almost a year and at that point i was already pregnant with Mac and way too exhausted to go on. That and i was done. i had this confidence and peace knowing that this part of our journey was over. i was proud knowing how far we made it with this and how much it had drawn us together and in my mind and heart we stopped at the perfect time. for baby Mac she is now over 13 months and I have that same peace and confidence in knowing we are done this part of our journey too. she doesn't want it or need it from me any more. We've been slowly weaning off for the last 2 months and last night was the last time. More than being bfed she wanted to sit on my lap, drink from a cup and snuggle before bed.

It's so bittersweet. it was amazing to have those moments and that experience together and i feel so blessed. I am also so proud of my kids that when we all knew it was the right time together we slowly stopped together. this time has been different with Mac than with W. I haven't had the crazy milk over production and pain. our bodies knew and we stopped together. and now it's on to the next part of our bond and child-parent journey together.

*side note.
i just want to quickly say a few things about the acceptance of people whether they choose to bfeed or not. honestly this second time around i felt more scrutiny from people that are HC bfeeders than those that were choosing formula. I say you do what you want with what you have and you know best what you want to do, need to do and when you're done. If you want / need to formula feed from day 1 all the power to you & if you want to bfeed till they're (insert persons age of choice here ;)) then all the power to you as well. i just think as moms we need to be kinder on eachother about these types of things. mothering is by far the hardest thing i have ever done and it makes it alot easier having support instead of skepticism around.

OK ok. that's where it's at today.

I'm off to finish my coffee with my hubby and son nap and my lil lady sings away in her crib. it's a good moment <3 p="p">

29 things to do while I'm still 29. 6 months to get these done

1. Take a cooking class
2. Read The Chronicles of Narnia
3. Take out my sewing machine and at least learn how to set the tension
4. Go to Airdrie to see my PS
5. Get more sleep
6. Shower more
7. Get better at asking for help
8. Sing to my kids more
9. Listen more
10. Let go of a few people I've been working on letting go of for awhile
11. Take my vitamins
12. Try a new wine a month
13. Plan my vegas bday
14. Do at least 10 things I've pinned on Pinterest
15. Breathe more
16. Actually make it through Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred
17. Be more concious of how I speak to my children
18. Get my husband 'fixed'. You know. Momma is done ever being pregnant again
19. Write letters
20. Try new foods
21. Do a cleanse
22. Be done breastfeeding
24. Take better care of my feet
25. Talk to my dad on the phone more
26. Have a date with my grandma
27. Be more consistant in friendships
28. Show my husband I love him more
29. Worry less about what people think of me

babes & success!

ok so here's the thing about potty training. basically as soon as your child can walk people are already asking "so is he/she potty trained yet?" i don't know why but somehow as a mother it feels like the biggest defeat to answer no. in all the times i was asked i knew W wasn't ready yet, but still hearing that question never made it easier. it's like "oh so your child wont eat fruits or vegetables?" i know i know. i'm reading way to much into it. but really here i am entrusted with this humanbeing and he's still wearing a diaper? he wont eat fruits, veggies or even meat much? he throws fits and bangs his head on anything in sight? lol. oh yes, as a mom i'm trying a swear. haha.

anyways i wanted to post some positives here. while we were away on our crazy whirlwind 6 days in BC i crossed paths with a lady who runs a daycare and basically gave me a 'how to potty train'. it was bizarre to say the least. we were strangers and within 2 minutes were talking about essentially doing that potty dance. ha. i was inspired. here i was camping and BLAMO! here was my how to on potty training. so it's day 6 and we're batting about a 70% toilet to 30% accidents. i'm pretty excited about that! i'm proud of my little man. I know that we will continue to have to work on this for a long time and most days it will take patience i need to find but we are getting somewhere! i'm so proud of him. looking back i know we started at the perfect time. we were both ready so we started.

also the child will now eat hamburgers, hotdogs, chicken and an assortment of fruits and vegetables as long as there's dip! i'll take it! No scurvey or rickets for us ;)

LITTLE RED:

ok so as some of you have read we thought MacKenzie was lactose intolerant and it turns out she is. as much as this is totally uncharted territory for us i'm really happy to know that this is what was happening and that we can work towards finding milk replacements / substitutes that she loves. Ah i love when things start making sense.

now on to the sleep. so i don't know what it was about being away but when we came home as exhausted and out of routine we were i decided this was a fresh start. time for this babe to sleep through the night. time to not get up every 2-4hrs for a feed. she's 10 months old (WHAT??? she's already 10 months old?) and she can do this. so for the last 5 days i've been letting her cry it out. after awhile i go in and cuddle her a bit and she'll go right back to sleep without a feed. it's so good. there was even a night she slept right through till 6! yes i am a proud momma. so it's been either 1 wake up or sleeping anywhere till 5:30-7am. ah it is delicious!

oh and i forgot to mention that wyatt now thinks it's a great idea to sleep in until 6:45/7!

of course there are hard moments and hard days but reflecting on the amazing things happening is so good.

2 year old tyrants (no one tells you about the toddler years)

so i don't know where we turned this corner or what happened, but somehow i have a 2 year old tyrant running my household and it's bringing out the worst in me. there is screaming, headbanging, fit throwing, crying and just plain loosing your mind at ever corner. don't get me wrong. of course i love my little man and he can be sweet, smart, creative, caring and so much fun. but there is definitley a whole lot of dr.jekyll & mr. hyde these days. it's 0-100 in 2 seconds. there's no reasoning, no rationalizing, no major clue as to what went wrong. the tantrums can go on for hours and i'm not gonna lie it pushes a momma over the edge, across the bridge and down the lane.

ah just take a step back
count to 10
take deep breaths

well guess what this way harder than labor. i mean sure people tell you that there will be sleepless nights and picky eaters, teething etc etc. but this is a whole new level.

so people out there contemplating on having a child don't forget how ugly the toddler stage can be too. it wont last forever but right now 5 minutes is long enough. i dream of a day where we can balance things out a bit, step away from being pushed over the edge and down the lane. this is by far the most challenged i've ever been. he got his stubborness and impatience from me. i'm staring the toddler unrationalized version of me in the face on a daily basis and man oh man.

here's hoping no one looses it in the next 5 minutes

sleepless on 21st ave

clearly the worst/best form of torture is being sleep deprived. oh and it could be listening to really bad music as well. or the nightmare where you think you've shown up somewhere naked and you really have and you can't leave you're stuck there with everyone you've admired, crushed on, been friends or enemies with and you don't have any clothes on.

in our house when it comes to teething babies and sleep it's like going to a greyhound race. there you are running along and that bunny is dangling right in front of your face pretty much making you crazy. so far we haven't been the chosen ones where teething is "no big deal" for our kids or all of a sudden surprise there's a tooth. nope not us. so this is how bed time goes....i'm running along chasing that bunny. i almost catch it AKA fall asleep and it's pulled away. so really the crying begins. or the rabbit is in my mouth. i get the slightest taste of the sweet sweet sleep. you know that just settling in falling asleep thing. yup and then ripped away from me. W wasn't a great sleeper till just before he was 1. basically when he was running around everywhere all day long...then he would crash. it's seems as though his little sister is following in the same footsteps. don't get me wrong they do have their better days. ANYWAYS. thanks to top tooth #2 it's been too many nights in a row of that sweet sleep being ripped away from me. I cannot survive day after day of 2-3hrs of sleep a night. the basics are breaking down. you know. the talking, walking & making sense etc.

on the same note right now they are being amazing. they both ate all their breakfast in record times, they're playing together, watching the backyardigans and no one is crying or screaming.

so off quickly i will go to make a cup of coffee and enjoy this moment before anything changes.

xoxo KK

What my dreams are made of:

-Peeing alone
-8hrs of straight uninterrupted sleep
-Eating something I cook while it's still warm
-Eating sitting down
-Days without floating pollen
-A cooking fairy
-A laundry fairy
-A house cleaning fairy
-A grocery shopping fairy
-A manicurist on hand since my polish lasts a day
-A skinnier body double
-A mute button

Well a girl can dream

Remembering to shop my closet...the battle of KK vs. Shorts con't.

It's that time of year again...you know the one where you need to start baring those crazy white legs to the world. And as we can't walk around naked what the heck are we gonna put on them. Having kids changes ones style massively. I mean there's no excuse for the endless days of sweats but there is a time when you need to pull it together a bit.

As summer approaches I've been in a straight up anxiety attack trying to find clothes I like & that fit me. The body does a lot of changing. Almost 30 and two kids...time to work on a few things. I'll save that for another day. Anywho! If I can at all cost I will avoid trying to shop for pants/shorts etc. today after shopping and successfully finding a few new tank tops, a couple of shorter summer dresses and an awesome Maxi dress I was happy bit still had lost a part of the war. No shorts. So after everyone FINALLY fell asleep for a nap it clicked that I had a bag of old summer clothes in the basement. OH YES! 4 pairs of shorts that fit amazingly & a bunch more tops. All in all highly successful!

oh man. i don't even know how to change a diaper

ok so i've started writting 4 different times this morning and they've all turned out to be complain-fests so i'm choosing not to publish any of them. sure there will always be crap hitting the fan in one form or another but in those times where seriously all i can do is think of the things we're lacking or what's gone wrong in the day, it's time to push myself to change my thinking. there is so much good. i can't let it just all pass by and not be noticed because of the few pieces of crap that has hit the fan.

growing up i was the girl that never wanted to babysit. i took the babysitting course because my mom said it would be a good idea and really when you're 12 you just do whatever your parents make you do. haha. so after the babysitting course i avoided babysitting like the plague. but we went to a church at the time and of course there were families with kids that needed a babysitter. i would always avoid all child related situations. i didn't want really any reason to have to hang out with little kids. one day a couple asked my mom (not me) if i could babysit for them and of course because my mom thought it was a good idea there i landed up babysitting. see well that right there. those two kids who were pretty well behaved and easy to entertain and get along with sealed the deal. i did not want to have kids. that was it. cut and dry. plain and simple. when i was at bible college there was a missions trip we could choose to go on for a month after school was out. i chose India. i love to travel and india was somewhere i always have wanted to and still want to go to. India got cancelled and my destination was changed to Hungary. the objective of the trip was to primarily work with children. OY! let me say it again for you, OY! so there i was. i loved those kids and somehow on that trip was a kid magnet. Still no wanting of the offspring. nope not me. getting married my husband knew i didn't want to have kids. i said sure who knows maybe one day but really i don't want them and don't think it's for me. i mean there are those people that just have that 'i'm a mom gene'. i didn't find myself to be one of those people. so we got married and there weren't any offspring plans. i was really lucky in making these choices and feeling this way about not wanting to be a mom that no one bugged me about it. no one was pressuring asking when the time would come or saying how nice it would be to have grand-babies etc etc. pretty much they let me be. it was about just before being married for a year a light switch went on in me. i wanted to have kids. two exactly. no more and no less and i would like to be done having them before i turned 30. there it was plain and simple. still no huge desire to be a mom or any clue how to do anything with babies/children (when wyatt was born i didn't know how to change a diaper and phil had to teach me how). after having a miscarriage May 2009 we found out we were pregnant with Wyatt July 1 2009 & we found out MacKenzie was on her way Jan 4 2011. Here we are, two kids and I'm 29. every day motherhood scares the shit out of me but it is beyond my greatest joy. it is the toughest and the most rewarding i've ever been a part of. i pray they take the best of me and leave the rest behind. i pray they know they are loved and that they are capable of accomplishing everything they want to. my life is totally different than i ever thought it would be and i wouldn't change a thing. nope not a thing. thanks for choosing me as your mama my little monkeys.

xo KK

warming up

sitting on the deck with the sun shining at my back. i love the way the sun can really warm you up. in our lives we all have winters and we need that spring and summer to come. there's the time where we've been cold for awhile and kept inside with the curtains drawn and we just need that sun. i used to view the sun alot differently than i do now. for me it was a constant religious comparison of looking and wanting someone, that spiritual being to warm me up. it's not any more. i'm not where i was a few years ago in mind set, lifestyle, spiritual beliefs or location. i'm not there. like us being in AB right now there is a tentitive plan that we will go back to BC. we think. we hope. well we hope for now. if you would've asked me 5 years ago what my hopes would be today they would sound a lot different. i had a way i thought my family would look and i thought i knew who the people in our lives would be. turns out i was probably a good solid 68% wrong. i'm not saying that out of dissappointment at all. we can always have hopes for the future but realistically we need to keep our minds open that our hopes today may not be my hopes tomorrow. these days my hopes are a lot more simple. it's 10am sunday morning and i'm having my favorite kind of "church" with my favorite people. Kenzie is napping upstairs, Wyatt is playing around the yard and Chico is sitting next to me in the sun. this is the goodness of life. the husband gets off work early today and we get to chill out and putz around the yard and go to the park. i love days like today where i've felt cold for awhile and i can feel myself warming up. sleep helps with that too. these last few days (minus last night) Kenzie has only been getting up twice and sleeping from 8-7. it's been pretty amazing. i've had time for me at night and more sleep. ah sleep. if you don't have enough sleep nothing looks clearly, everything is cold, toddlers are more likely to push you over the edge and you could really just rip everyones heads off.

my thoughts aren't done but I'm in need to play the role of bicycle repairman.

xoxo KK