looking for lost parts

So lately more than ever i've been feeling the itch like i have to get away & feel a little something more like "myself". those moments when you close your eyes and think of leasurely drinking coffee, sleeping in and taking a shower sometime during the day because you don't have to worry about your kids coloring all over the walls, eating dog food, injuring eachother or burning down the house.

i've been wanting so badly to go home and see my old friends, go to the places we always used to go and just spend time together. pretty much anything more than the crazy constantly interrupted phone conversations or a text here or there we've had over the last year.

then last night the anxiety came crashing down on top of me like a tidal wave. could i really leave my kids? i've only been without wyatt for one night twice. once when i was in the hospital having Mac & another time for a sleepover at Nana's house. that's it. and as for Mac she has never had a full day or night without me. so there i was laying in bed at 11pm and going over everything a million times in my mind. i know. perfect time to try and sort some serious anxiety out. NOT. i haven't really been without them. maybe this is all sounding a little pathetic. i don't know. but over the last 3 years i've transformed from someone who did whatever i want whenever i wanted to, to someone's who's every move is now dependent on my little people. i love them more than anything. i can't imagine my life without them. but somehow i'm feeling so lost.

i've lost who i was or most of what i see from who i was and now i've become someone else, or an adapted version of me. i don't under stand it. i see pieces of me in little places but a lot has changed, almost everything. i know if / when my little peoples will be apart from me that they'll be with great amazing people who they love and who love them and will be taken care of amazingly. it's me.

it's a complete fear of falling apart without having someone elses every move needing to be considered and cared for. maybe it's the challenge i need? maybe it's something that needs to wait?

Naked Adventures with Elmo

A few months ago...this summer we were pushing for W to potty train. Ah wouldn't it be nice to only have one child in diapers. Anyways we tried everything. Turns out he just didn't want to do it, wasn't into it and truly wasn't ready. Ok ok here I thought of course I would be super mom and my son would be potty trained around 2. That thought right there was setting us up for failure. So we went back to regular diapers and occasionally would just ask Wyatt if he wanted to go on the potty. about 97% of the time it was a no. For the last few days if he had more than one little pee in his diaper he was totally annoyed and wanting it off. So we went on an adventure to Toys R Us and Wyatt got to pick out the potty he wanted. That day we came home with the Elmo Adventure potty. For the last couple of days it's done more of just sitting around and me working like crazy for it not to be seen as a toy or a toy holder (the bowl) there was lots of "flushing" so we could hear Elmo's little gimmicks.

This morning when W woke up he ripped off his pyjamas & diaper and decided no more diaper and he must be naked. We rolled with it. So far it's been 6 pees & 1 poop in the potty AND no accidents. He's decided and on his own initiative gone on the potty when he needs to go. Of course the reward of a candy makes that super appealing. I may have one spun out sugar crashed kid and be out candy by noon but he is doing awesome and wants to go.

He was just ready. Or is ready this morning. Ha there's no guarentee with kids. I guess that's just like mini us. When we want something and we're ready for it we will acheive success

xo
KK

PS. I'm working on getting my sore butt up and moving to do day 2 of the shred. The possibility of the longer i keep doing it, the easier it will get is gonna keep me going.

Day 1

I'm working on  two things for the same result. 1) writing more 2) a work out plan. Both of these things are being done with the goal of prolonging my life. Ok well maybe saying prolonging my life isn't totally correct like I hope it can be, but I'm  just trying to be a little less stressed out here. HA. I may need to start dropping and giving 20 every hour to work up my heart rate and chill the F out. I don't know why I'm such a 'live-wire' lately but I am. And writing. It's nice to get it out there. This isn't my tell all story...I save that for my friends ears and paper.

Anyways I'm saying this to say do something for you. Inner focus is important. I write these things as more of a letter to myself. Hey you, yes you Katie Knorr READ THIS! I'm working on sticking to a plan. Seriously...how long does it take for something to stick.

This morning I started the 30 day Shred with Jillian Micheals again. Yes i've started this before. Anyways all excuses aside there I was in the living room doing jumping jacks etc with two kids hanging on. It started out while Kenzie was napping but she woke up so I ran upstairs as quick as I could trying to keep my heart rate up and I was determined that even if I had to walk away from the video or change something cause I couldn't do it yet or whatever I would stick through for the whole work out. We did it! I had kids hanging here, there and everywhere. It was really hilarious. Someone should do a workout video for stay at home moms with the kids in the video. Not kids who will just sit on the side but real ones who will scream and cry and hang themselves on you while you take 30 minutes to try and work out. HAHA. I didn't have weights so I was using big bean cans. Really it's hilarious thinking back about it. But as I sit here typing I'm breathing a little deeper, my muscles are slightly stinging and I feel accomplished and a tiny bit ready to take it on again tomorrow.

Day 1 of the husband being gone and both kids boycotted their afternoon nap. Needless to say it's a super tired house. AND THIS MOM IS OUT OF WINE! Really that shouldn't be allowed to happen but it has. Guess I'll be teaing it up. lol

Enough. You may hear from me tomorrow or the day after or who knows.

xo KK

children eating...or the lack thereof

lets start with the bebe. so as we were approaching her being 6 months i was getting more and more excited about the time coming ahead of her trying new foods. cereal (pablum), some fruits & veggies. as i've been breastfeeding her exclusively i was really stoked and possibly getting a little feeding relief from my growing monkey. feeding someone every 2-3 hrs will wear ya down. yup we did the pumping and trying to get her to drink from a bottle but just like her brother nope nope no go on the bottle. we did this and that and a million + 1 suggestions that books, dr & people had for us. really because it would be nice to go to a movie or out for dinner with a friend...or lets face it, some days just be away for more than 2hrs round trip. so yes i was getting excited for food. when W was about 5 months we started him on cereal with a little fruit & veg and he LOVED it. it was so great. such an awesome adventure seeing this little one gobble something up that wasn't me. lol. so yup in my naievity i thought wow these two will be on the same course for this as they've been so similar in many other ways. when it comes to liking cereal or really ANY babyfood so far they are totally different. he loved it and she hates it. i've tried every brand of cereal, mixing it with different things and just a plain old no way mom. her lips are pushed together as tightly as they can go. it is locked RIGHT UP.

so lets move to W. basically they are at the same spot. i come up with ideas of things for them to eat/try, i budget, i buy, i prepare and i get shut down. can't get either one of them to eat. W could easily only eat cherrios, apples jacks, crackers (wheat thins, veggie thins, triscuits), multigrain tostidos, fruit snacks, granola bars (sometimes), craisins, raisins, pretzles, fries, cheeseburgers, chicken strips, peach cups & peanut butter (in a spoon or on some bread). i keep trying other things to see if he'll eat them. we cook together. i give him what we're having, i'll let him pick things off my plate and nothing changes the situation that he is not interested.

so this is where the eating of lack thereof comes in. as a mom it's so frustrating to try and figure these things out. not wanting to have a picky picky kid. i want a mellow one that loves to eat and sleep. HA! well my little action packed adventurers keep me on my toes.

on this occasion if you've got suggestions i'm open to them. especially on the bebe food front as i really want her to try something! anything! as for the toddler...well he's a toddler and to know them is to love them...and learn to be ok with the craziness and rejection a little more every day.

xoxo KK

ps. i love my kids