recently things have gotten a lot more intense. the tantrums are at a whole new level. the simple things like yes the grass is green with a reply of "NO IT IS NOT! IT HAS A TINY BIT OF YELLOW IN IT!!!". the volume button has been cranked. the alligator tears are out. there are now words they're not allowed to say. not that they weren't allowed to say these words before but now they say them and all the time. it doesn't matter what gets taken away, how many cuddles or given or how long of a time is spent in time out. nope we are at a whole new level of irrational. I mean of course the cute is cuter and the smart is smarter. the kind is kinder, lovelier and sweeter. He's learnt how to officially declare opposites. "I love you Wyatt." "I do not love you Momma". "You are smart buddy" "No I am not smart" and the list goes on.
You know that lesson we all learnt in kindergarten or grade one about prickelies and warm fuzzies? I think it was a 7-1 ratio. If you had one prickelie it took 7 warm fuzzies to erase it. The lesson comes up again as we get older about bullying and self image. Basically the long short of the story is that for everything said to someone that hurts their feelings it takes a lot to make that hurt lessen.
Parenthood is no exception. We know that what we say to our kids shape and form them. We do our best to soak it all in. You are smart. You are kind. You are special. You are funny. You are important. You are loved. You are creative. You are so awesome...etc. When you hear your kids saying mean things to themselves or each other it's heart breaking. And when the "I don't love you. Leave me alone. You don't love me and I'm a bad boy" come out it's more than heart breaking. It leaves us a bit dumbfounded. I know this is a stage. I know we are entering a new emotional milestone etc but if my heart could feel differently that would help.
those who love you the most can hurt you the most. it's amazing and terrifying all at the same time.
KK
PS. Dear Threenager,
Lets take a break from the insanity for a little while.
I love you and I know you love me too.
Momma
Friday, June 7, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
looking for lost parts
So lately more than ever i've been feeling the itch like i have to get away & feel a little something more like "myself". those moments when you close your eyes and think of leasurely drinking coffee, sleeping in and taking a shower sometime during the day because you don't have to worry about your kids coloring all over the walls, eating dog food, injuring eachother or burning down the house.
i've been wanting so badly to go home and see my old friends, go to the places we always used to go and just spend time together. pretty much anything more than the crazy constantly interrupted phone conversations or a text here or there we've had over the last year.
then last night the anxiety came crashing down on top of me like a tidal wave. could i really leave my kids? i've only been without wyatt for one night twice. once when i was in the hospital having Mac & another time for a sleepover at Nana's house. that's it. and as for Mac she has never had a full day or night without me. so there i was laying in bed at 11pm and going over everything a million times in my mind. i know. perfect time to try and sort some serious anxiety out. NOT. i haven't really been without them. maybe this is all sounding a little pathetic. i don't know. but over the last 3 years i've transformed from someone who did whatever i want whenever i wanted to, to someone's who's every move is now dependent on my little people. i love them more than anything. i can't imagine my life without them. but somehow i'm feeling so lost.
i've lost who i was or most of what i see from who i was and now i've become someone else, or an adapted version of me. i don't under stand it. i see pieces of me in little places but a lot has changed, almost everything. i know if / when my little peoples will be apart from me that they'll be with great amazing people who they love and who love them and will be taken care of amazingly. it's me.
it's a complete fear of falling apart without having someone elses every move needing to be considered and cared for. maybe it's the challenge i need? maybe it's something that needs to wait?
i've been wanting so badly to go home and see my old friends, go to the places we always used to go and just spend time together. pretty much anything more than the crazy constantly interrupted phone conversations or a text here or there we've had over the last year.
then last night the anxiety came crashing down on top of me like a tidal wave. could i really leave my kids? i've only been without wyatt for one night twice. once when i was in the hospital having Mac & another time for a sleepover at Nana's house. that's it. and as for Mac she has never had a full day or night without me. so there i was laying in bed at 11pm and going over everything a million times in my mind. i know. perfect time to try and sort some serious anxiety out. NOT. i haven't really been without them. maybe this is all sounding a little pathetic. i don't know. but over the last 3 years i've transformed from someone who did whatever i want whenever i wanted to, to someone's who's every move is now dependent on my little people. i love them more than anything. i can't imagine my life without them. but somehow i'm feeling so lost.
i've lost who i was or most of what i see from who i was and now i've become someone else, or an adapted version of me. i don't under stand it. i see pieces of me in little places but a lot has changed, almost everything. i know if / when my little peoples will be apart from me that they'll be with great amazing people who they love and who love them and will be taken care of amazingly. it's me.
it's a complete fear of falling apart without having someone elses every move needing to be considered and cared for. maybe it's the challenge i need? maybe it's something that needs to wait?
Thursday, February 21, 2013
there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.
what an amazing morning. honestly...amazing. for christmas i got a gift certificate for 60 minutes of massage therapy. getting this was like my golden ticket. truthfully i was beyond excited but there were always a million other things to do, no babysitter or me just not trying to find one. it was always someone else being sick etc etc or this or that to do and here i basically just threw my golden ticket aside. here i got this amazing gift to take time for me, just me for 60 minutes (really that's what i wanted, me time but who knew making me a priority would be so hard). so almost two months later i was off to cash in my ticket. leaving the house my mind was full of the list of things i needed to do when i got home, laundry, dishes, floors...etc. would everyone eat their lunch? would wyatt remember to go on the potty? would everyone go down for a nap easily? SERIOUSLY KATIE!?!?! you're on your way for YOUR 60 minutes JUST SHUT YOUR BRAIN OFF ALREADY.
and before you know it i'm there. the list is long of the issues i have with my back / body. i'm basically a broken mother as a result of numerous car accidents and lets just face it being a daily jungle gym, constantly lifting 21 or 32lbs at once or often at the same time and truly not taking the time to look after my basic well being.
after getting down into just my knickers and laying underneath the "magical sheet" the candles were lit, i could faintly smell a burning scented oil and the mix of soothing nature sounds, a little regge and some meditation tracks were playing. it took about 30 seconds for me to close my eyes, turn off my brain and drift away.
here's the bottom line. sometimes you just need to leave. you need to walk away. you need to take 60 minutes away from everything for you. maybe make it once a week. in a dream world it would always be off to get a massage, our nails done, a pedicure or your hair done. but in reality actually taking a book somewhere, buying a coffee, finding a piece of sunshine and just sitting down and turning off your phone will do the same trick. more than anything this is a reminder for me. the kids will be fine. they'll be alright if they pee their pants or dont eat their lunch. the laundry and dishes can wait an hour. everyone can wait. time for you to stop waiting. now it doesn't matter if you have kids or not, life is crazy and hectic enough as it is.
as much as i can make a meal plan and figure out what appointments are when and which day we're meeting up with who for a play date i NEED to get that 60 minutes for me.
my goal :
60 minutes for me with no tv, no chores, no phone, no computer and NO ONE ELSE. i'll figure it out from there.
like i've heard and said a hundred times, there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.
xxKK
and before you know it i'm there. the list is long of the issues i have with my back / body. i'm basically a broken mother as a result of numerous car accidents and lets just face it being a daily jungle gym, constantly lifting 21 or 32lbs at once or often at the same time and truly not taking the time to look after my basic well being.
after getting down into just my knickers and laying underneath the "magical sheet" the candles were lit, i could faintly smell a burning scented oil and the mix of soothing nature sounds, a little regge and some meditation tracks were playing. it took about 30 seconds for me to close my eyes, turn off my brain and drift away.
here's the bottom line. sometimes you just need to leave. you need to walk away. you need to take 60 minutes away from everything for you. maybe make it once a week. in a dream world it would always be off to get a massage, our nails done, a pedicure or your hair done. but in reality actually taking a book somewhere, buying a coffee, finding a piece of sunshine and just sitting down and turning off your phone will do the same trick. more than anything this is a reminder for me. the kids will be fine. they'll be alright if they pee their pants or dont eat their lunch. the laundry and dishes can wait an hour. everyone can wait. time for you to stop waiting. now it doesn't matter if you have kids or not, life is crazy and hectic enough as it is.
as much as i can make a meal plan and figure out what appointments are when and which day we're meeting up with who for a play date i NEED to get that 60 minutes for me.
my goal :
60 minutes for me with no tv, no chores, no phone, no computer and NO ONE ELSE. i'll figure it out from there.
like i've heard and said a hundred times, there's a reason they tell you to put your air mask on first when the plane's going down.
xxKK
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Naked Adventures with Elmo
A few months ago...this summer we were pushing for W to potty train. Ah wouldn't it be nice to only have one child in diapers. Anyways we tried everything. Turns out he just didn't want to do it, wasn't into it and truly wasn't ready. Ok ok here I thought of course I would be super mom and my son would be potty trained around 2. That thought right there was setting us up for failure. So we went back to regular diapers and occasionally would just ask Wyatt if he wanted to go on the potty. about 97% of the time it was a no. For the last few days if he had more than one little pee in his diaper he was totally annoyed and wanting it off. So we went on an adventure to Toys R Us and Wyatt got to pick out the potty he wanted. That day we came home with the Elmo Adventure potty. For the last couple of days it's done more of just sitting around and me working like crazy for it not to be seen as a toy or a toy holder (the bowl) there was lots of "flushing" so we could hear Elmo's little gimmicks.
This morning when W woke up he ripped off his pyjamas & diaper and decided no more diaper and he must be naked. We rolled with it. So far it's been 6 pees & 1 poop in the potty AND no accidents. He's decided and on his own initiative gone on the potty when he needs to go. Of course the reward of a candy makes that super appealing. I may have one spun out sugar crashed kid and be out candy by noon but he is doing awesome and wants to go.
He was just ready. Or is ready this morning. Ha there's no guarentee with kids. I guess that's just like mini us. When we want something and we're ready for it we will acheive success
xo
KK
PS. I'm working on getting my sore butt up and moving to do day 2 of the shred. The possibility of the longer i keep doing it, the easier it will get is gonna keep me going.
This morning when W woke up he ripped off his pyjamas & diaper and decided no more diaper and he must be naked. We rolled with it. So far it's been 6 pees & 1 poop in the potty AND no accidents. He's decided and on his own initiative gone on the potty when he needs to go. Of course the reward of a candy makes that super appealing. I may have one spun out sugar crashed kid and be out candy by noon but he is doing awesome and wants to go.
He was just ready. Or is ready this morning. Ha there's no guarentee with kids. I guess that's just like mini us. When we want something and we're ready for it we will acheive success
xo
KK
PS. I'm working on getting my sore butt up and moving to do day 2 of the shred. The possibility of the longer i keep doing it, the easier it will get is gonna keep me going.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Day 1
I'm working on two things for the same result. 1) writing more 2) a work out plan. Both of these things are being done with the goal of prolonging my life. Ok well maybe saying prolonging my life isn't totally correct like I hope it can be, but I'm just trying to be a little less stressed out here. HA. I may need to start dropping and giving 20 every hour to work up my heart rate and chill the F out. I don't know why I'm such a 'live-wire' lately but I am. And writing. It's nice to get it out there. This isn't my tell all story...I save that for my friends ears and paper.
Anyways I'm saying this to say do something for you. Inner focus is important. I write these things as more of a letter to myself. Hey you, yes you Katie Knorr READ THIS! I'm working on sticking to a plan. Seriously...how long does it take for something to stick.
This morning I started the 30 day Shred with Jillian Micheals again. Yes i've started this before. Anyways all excuses aside there I was in the living room doing jumping jacks etc with two kids hanging on. It started out while Kenzie was napping but she woke up so I ran upstairs as quick as I could trying to keep my heart rate up and I was determined that even if I had to walk away from the video or change something cause I couldn't do it yet or whatever I would stick through for the whole work out. We did it! I had kids hanging here, there and everywhere. It was really hilarious. Someone should do a workout video for stay at home moms with the kids in the video. Not kids who will just sit on the side but real ones who will scream and cry and hang themselves on you while you take 30 minutes to try and work out. HAHA. I didn't have weights so I was using big bean cans. Really it's hilarious thinking back about it. But as I sit here typing I'm breathing a little deeper, my muscles are slightly stinging and I feel accomplished and a tiny bit ready to take it on again tomorrow.
Day 1 of the husband being gone and both kids boycotted their afternoon nap. Needless to say it's a super tired house. AND THIS MOM IS OUT OF WINE! Really that shouldn't be allowed to happen but it has. Guess I'll be teaing it up. lol
Enough. You may hear from me tomorrow or the day after or who knows.
xo KK
Anyways I'm saying this to say do something for you. Inner focus is important. I write these things as more of a letter to myself. Hey you, yes you Katie Knorr READ THIS! I'm working on sticking to a plan. Seriously...how long does it take for something to stick.
This morning I started the 30 day Shred with Jillian Micheals again. Yes i've started this before. Anyways all excuses aside there I was in the living room doing jumping jacks etc with two kids hanging on. It started out while Kenzie was napping but she woke up so I ran upstairs as quick as I could trying to keep my heart rate up and I was determined that even if I had to walk away from the video or change something cause I couldn't do it yet or whatever I would stick through for the whole work out. We did it! I had kids hanging here, there and everywhere. It was really hilarious. Someone should do a workout video for stay at home moms with the kids in the video. Not kids who will just sit on the side but real ones who will scream and cry and hang themselves on you while you take 30 minutes to try and work out. HAHA. I didn't have weights so I was using big bean cans. Really it's hilarious thinking back about it. But as I sit here typing I'm breathing a little deeper, my muscles are slightly stinging and I feel accomplished and a tiny bit ready to take it on again tomorrow.
Day 1 of the husband being gone and both kids boycotted their afternoon nap. Needless to say it's a super tired house. AND THIS MOM IS OUT OF WINE! Really that shouldn't be allowed to happen but it has. Guess I'll be teaing it up. lol
Enough. You may hear from me tomorrow or the day after or who knows.
xo KK
Thursday, January 3, 2013
honesty ... ish
I'm really not sure how change in ones self starts. like when is it exactly that you've hit "rock bottom" so to speak. I'm not gonna go and say that i've hit rock bottom here but I really need to make a change. Since forever I've never been the "skinny girl" and really I've learnt to be ok with that. It apparent that we all want to be different. If you're skinny you want to change something, if you're fat you want to be smaller. If you're tall it's hard to find pants long enough etc etc the list really does go on forever. I feel like in my mind I want a change but in reality I'm truly afraid to just start and fail. I know that if I work out and eat better I will feel like I have more energy but I find it hard to find the energy to want to work out. Oh and working out....Geez. Where do I even start with that one. Sure in an ideal world I'd be able to go to the gym and that would be that. When am I supposed to do that? Really. I mean if I did go I could put them in child care but really that adds up to almost $80 a week...really? REALLY? Ok so here I am. I'm at home. I put on my sweatpants day after day for honest fear that I'll try on my jeans and they wont fit. There was a time pre baby that wearing sweatpants was uncomfortable. honestly. i hated it. it was jeans or nothing and now jeans just pure and simple feel like a straight jacket. Ok there is a lot of babbling and heart pouring out here. I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm writing cause I know that putting it out there somehow makes me more accountable to myself. I need to find something to do at home actively. When it's -20 outside I don't want to go for a walk and kill myself on ice. I need something to do at home indoors so I'm on a search. I'm down hearing your suggestions.
The fact that I'm a stay at home mom isn't where the ball drops on my slowly putting on weight, getting out of shape (not that i was in a great one before) but just plain and simple ot being ok with where i'm at personally or how I look. You know those phases where your skin crawls. Yes I'm there. Doing something for me. ok what?
This is a lot of jibber jabber. It's a lot of feeling and a lot of being lost.
Thats what this is for. being honest. doesn't matter what it's about but i think being honest is the beginning.
KK
The fact that I'm a stay at home mom isn't where the ball drops on my slowly putting on weight, getting out of shape (not that i was in a great one before) but just plain and simple ot being ok with where i'm at personally or how I look. You know those phases where your skin crawls. Yes I'm there. Doing something for me. ok what?
This is a lot of jibber jabber. It's a lot of feeling and a lot of being lost.
Thats what this is for. being honest. doesn't matter what it's about but i think being honest is the beginning.
KK
Thursday, November 1, 2012
the end of the boobie-milk train
as setting out with having both kids i really wanted to breastfeed them. i knew that like with anythng there was a possibility that it might not work out the way i wanted but with this i did. we hit a few speed bumps with both kids, mastitous (breast infection), both of them refusing to drink from a bottle (even breastmilk) and the occasional biting phase here and there, but generally it's worked out pretty great.
with knowing absolutely that after baby Mac was born that i was done having babies, i know this is the end of this part of motherhood for me. with W he was breastfed until almost a year and at that point i was already pregnant with Mac and way too exhausted to go on. That and i was done. i had this confidence and peace knowing that this part of our journey was over. i was proud knowing how far we made it with this and how much it had drawn us together and in my mind and heart we stopped at the perfect time. for baby Mac she is now over 13 months and I have that same peace and confidence in knowing we are done this part of our journey too. she doesn't want it or need it from me any more. We've been slowly weaning off for the last 2 months and last night was the last time. More than being bfed she wanted to sit on my lap, drink from a cup and snuggle before bed.
It's so bittersweet. it was amazing to have those moments and that experience together and i feel so blessed. I am also so proud of my kids that when we all knew it was the right time together we slowly stopped together. this time has been different with Mac than with W. I haven't had the crazy milk over production and pain. our bodies knew and we stopped together. and now it's on to the next part of our bond and child-parent journey together.
*side note.
i just want to quickly say a few things about the acceptance of people whether they choose to bfeed or not. honestly this second time around i felt more scrutiny from people that are HC bfeeders than those that were choosing formula. I say you do what you want with what you have and you know best what you want to do, need to do and when you're done. If you want / need to formula feed from day 1 all the power to you & if you want to bfeed till they're (insert persons age of choice here ;)) then all the power to you as well. i just think as moms we need to be kinder on eachother about these types of things. mothering is by far the hardest thing i have ever done and it makes it alot easier having support instead of skepticism around.
OK ok. that's where it's at today.
I'm off to finish my coffee with my hubby and son nap and my lil lady sings away in her crib. it's a good moment <3 p="p">
with knowing absolutely that after baby Mac was born that i was done having babies, i know this is the end of this part of motherhood for me. with W he was breastfed until almost a year and at that point i was already pregnant with Mac and way too exhausted to go on. That and i was done. i had this confidence and peace knowing that this part of our journey was over. i was proud knowing how far we made it with this and how much it had drawn us together and in my mind and heart we stopped at the perfect time. for baby Mac she is now over 13 months and I have that same peace and confidence in knowing we are done this part of our journey too. she doesn't want it or need it from me any more. We've been slowly weaning off for the last 2 months and last night was the last time. More than being bfed she wanted to sit on my lap, drink from a cup and snuggle before bed.
It's so bittersweet. it was amazing to have those moments and that experience together and i feel so blessed. I am also so proud of my kids that when we all knew it was the right time together we slowly stopped together. this time has been different with Mac than with W. I haven't had the crazy milk over production and pain. our bodies knew and we stopped together. and now it's on to the next part of our bond and child-parent journey together.
*side note.
i just want to quickly say a few things about the acceptance of people whether they choose to bfeed or not. honestly this second time around i felt more scrutiny from people that are HC bfeeders than those that were choosing formula. I say you do what you want with what you have and you know best what you want to do, need to do and when you're done. If you want / need to formula feed from day 1 all the power to you & if you want to bfeed till they're (insert persons age of choice here ;)) then all the power to you as well. i just think as moms we need to be kinder on eachother about these types of things. mothering is by far the hardest thing i have ever done and it makes it alot easier having support instead of skepticism around.
OK ok. that's where it's at today.
I'm off to finish my coffee with my hubby and son nap and my lil lady sings away in her crib. it's a good moment <3 p="p">
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